Main Extended Latter-Day Saints Perspective We all have a family. Even if not all of us are married or have children, many of us have siblings who do have children. We can create relationships with our nieces and nephews to become close to them, and to help our brothers and sisters with family difficulties. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that "Extended families should lend support when needed." Through the unique relationship that exists between aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews, there are many things that you can do to be a positive influence in your niece or nephew's life. Why are the aunt and uncle relationships so unique? For the most part, people can't choose whether or not to have a relationship with their parents. They grow up in the same house, they see each other and talk together daily, and they have an ongoing, hopefully, positive relationship. Aunts and uncles have more freedom than parents in choosing to develop a relationship with a niece or nephew, and both must be interested in forming that bond. Aunts and uncles desiring to be close to their nieces and nephews can choose ways to interact with them that will strengthen their relationship1. This suggests that you can create the kind of relationship that you want to have with your niece or nephew; there is no one pattern that you must follow. Another factor that distinguishes this relationship from other family ties is that it is less structured; there are many different roles that aunts and uncles can have, and to a certain extent they can choose which roles to cultivate. A variety of roles Role model. One of the most important roles for aunts and uncles is to be a role model. A role model is someone that influences our behavior just by us observing how they act. Aunts and uncles can influence their nieces and nephews just by what they do, without saying a word. Aunts can also show their nieces an example of what they may want to be. They can give examples of the roles of a career woman, a wife, a mom, and a productive citizen of society. If an aunt leads a different lifestyle than the child's mom, it can give the niece an alternate example of what she wants to do with her life.2One way that uncles can be a good role model is to show good examples of a masculine role.3 They can teach their nephews that it is important to be kind to women and to help others. This can be particularly helpful if these children do not have a positive male figure in their home. It will benefit them to have a trusted adult to guide them rather than looking to their friends and the media. Friend. As aunts and uncles do not have the responsibility of parenting, they can also be more of a friend with their nieces and nephews. An important quality that many nieces and nephews name in their parents' siblings is their ability to have fun. This friendship allows the aunts and nieces (or uncles and nephews) to be involved in common activities they enjoy, such as sports or shopping.2 Aunts can help foster enthusiasm in their favorite activities by sharing these interests with their nieces, which will help them to bond over those common interests. One important distinction between acting more like a parent and acting more like a friend is often reciprocity. Friends are more likely to give back to their friends with emotional support, advice, or suggestions. Milardo found that if you have this kind of relationship with your niece or nephew, they may be supporting you as you support them.3 Supplemental parents. One role that aunts and uncles often have that is very important is to act as supplemental parents. Aunts and uncles can be complementary to their siblings by providing additional support, to fill the needs that the parents are unable to take care of themselves. This can include providing another supportive adult that kids can go to, to do their hair before a school dance, or by helping to drive them to all the places they need to go. Uncles and aunts can also reinforce the ideas that parents are trying to teach, such as the importance of education or being kind to your siblings. Aunts and moms can collaborate on good parenting ideas for the child, and discuss parenting methods.3 Through the aunt's unique relationship with her niece, she may have additional ideas for parenting to add to the mom's ideas. Buffers between parents and children. Aunts and uncles can also act as intergenerational buffers. This means that they can help mediate the relationship between parent and child. Instead of siding with one or the other, uncles and aunts can help each family member to try and see the other's side of the argument.3 Of course, you do not want to be constantly in the middle of their fights, but you can help soothe tensions that may exist between them. There are also many other roles that you can take on; being a good listener, giving advice, providing unconditional support, or telling your nieces and nephews of their family history.2,3 It's easy to get overwhelmed and to think that there's no way you can do all of these roles. The nice thing about being an aunt or uncle is that none of these roles are required; you can determine what you want to do. If you don't want to get in the middle of parents and children fighting, don't. If you want to play tennis with your niece, do! You can choose what roles and activities you have time for and are willing to do. Only you can determine what will be good for your relationship. How to achieve a positive relationship with your nieces and nephews Some of you may not be very emotionally close to your nieces and nephews, particularly if they live far away. It is important to remember that even if you aren't very close to your nieces and nephews, you can still be important to them and be an influence on their life. Whether you connect with them a lot or a little, you want to make every moment with them strengthen your relationship. Written by Kaitlin M. Miller, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, professor in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. References We all have a family. Even if not all of us are married or have children, many of us have siblings who do have children. We can create relationships with our nieces and nephews to become close to them, and to help our brothers and sisters with family difficulties. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that "Extended families should lend support when needed." Through the unique relationship that exists between aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews, there are many things that you can do to be a positive influence in your niece or nephew's life. Why are the aunt and uncle relationships so unique? For the most part, people can't choose whether or not to have a relationship with their parents. They grow up in the same house, they see each other and talk together daily, and they have an ongoing, hopefully positive relationship. Aunts and uncles have more freedom than parents in choosing to develop a relationship with a niece or nephew, and both must be interested in forming that bond. Aunts and uncles desiring to be close to their nieces and nephews can choose ways to interact with them that will strengthen their relationship.1 This suggests that you can create the kind of relationship that you want to have with your niece or nephew; there is no one pattern that you must follow. Another factor that distinguishes this relationship from other family ties is that it is less structured; there are many different roles that aunts and uncles can have, and to a certain extent they can choose which roles to cultivate. A variety of roles Role model. One of the most important roles for aunts and uncles is to be a role model. A role model is someone that influences our behavior just by us observing how they act. Aunts and uncles can influence their nieces and nephews just by what they do, without saying a word. Aunts can also show their nieces an example of what they may want to be. They can give examples of the roles of a career woman, a wife, a mom, and a productive citizen of society. If an aunt leads a different lifestyle than the child's mom, it can give the niece an alternate example of what she wants to do with her life.2 For instance, if a niece has a stay-at-home mom but she wants to know how to manage working with a family life and her aunt is a therapist, she can talk to her aunt about how she balances these two roles. In India, an aunt who was a nurse inspired two of her nieces to take up nursing, even though it is not a popular career choice in their country.3 They were able to see the rewards of that kind of career and became interested in pursuing it themselves. One way that uncles can be a good role model is to show good examples of a masculine role.4 They can teach their nephews that it is important to be kind to women and to help others. This can be particularly helpful if these children do not have a positive male figure in their home. It will benefit them to have a trusted adult to guide them rather than looking to their friends and the media. Unfortunately, some aunts and uncles are not good examples and may have behaviors that parents don't want to be passed down to their children.2 It is up to parents to determine how they want to influence this relationship, but many of the older nieces and nephews in a study by Milardo were able to see the faults in their aunts and uncles and to take that into consideration when deciding what behaviors to emulate.4 One uncle in this study was an alcoholic, and his nephew could see how this had caused problems in his uncle's life. He still was close to his uncle, but he did not want to follow this behavior. Accordingly, children can learn both from the good and bad that they see. Mentors to nieces and nephews. Aunts and uncles can also take on the role of mentor. Mexican-American youth, who are quite close to their extended family, rely on aunts and uncles (and other extended family members) for emotional mentoring, or modeling and teaching correct emotional behavior.5 Mentoring is a bit different from being a role model because in mentoring you are more active in teaching your nieces and nephews instead of just being an example. Perhaps in certain situations an aunt or uncle could encourage their niece to gently break up with an unwanted boyfriend in a kindly way, instead of simply modeling kind behavior. Aunts and uncles can mentor by sharing their observations and experiences, which can influence a niece or nephew's behavior. They can also be a sounding board for ideas, and it may be helpful to go to an aunt or uncle to discuss sensitive topics if youth feel too awkward or uncomfortable talking to their parents. It is helpful for aunts and uncles to be an additional supportive adult for nieces and nephews to go to.4 Mentors to parents. Aunts and uncles can also be mentors to parents. Parents may want someone to talk to about difficulties they are having with their children. Aunts and uncles can listen to parents' frustrations, share information from what they have observed or know about their niece or nephew, and can act as a confirmation or second opinion in how parents should interact with their child.4 Friend. As aunts and uncles do not have the responsibility of parenting, they can also be more of a friend with their nieces and nephews. An important quality that many nieces and nephews name in their parents' siblings is their ability to have fun. This friendship allows the aunts and nieces (or uncles and nephews) to be involved in common activities they enjoy, such as sports or shopping.2 Aunts can help foster enthusiasm in their favorite activities by sharing these interests with their nieces, which will help them to bond over those common interests. One important distinction between acting more like a parent and acting more like a friend is often reciprocity. Friends are more likely to give back to their friends with emotional support, advice, or suggestions. Milardo found that if you have this kind of relationship with your niece or nephew, they may be supporting you as you support them.4 Supplemental parents. One role that aunts and uncles often have that is very important is to act as supplemental parents. Aunts and uncles can be complementary to their siblings by providing additional support to fill the needs that the parents are unable to take care of themselves. This can include providing another supportive adult that kids can go to, to do their hair before a school dance, or by helping to drive them to all the places they need to go. Uncles and aunts can also reinforce the ideas that parents are trying to teach, such as the importance of education or being kind to your siblings. Aunts and moms can collaborate on good parenting ideas for the child, and discuss parenting methods.4 Through the aunt's unique relationship with her niece, she may have additional ideas for parenting to add to the mom's ideas. Buffers between parents and children. Aunts and uncles can also act as intergenerational buffers. This means that they can help mediate the relationship between parent and child. Instead of siding with one or the other, uncles and aunts can help each family member to try and see the other's side of the argument.4 Of course, you do not want to be constantly in the middle of their fights, but you can help soothe tensions that may exist between them. Surrogate parent. In some families, the aunt or uncle acts as a surrogate parent. This can vary from acting as a second mom by helping to raise the child, giving childcare, or even letting your niece or nephew live with you while they work out problems with their own parents.2 This is very demanding, but can be a great help to the parents. If one of the parents is emotionally or physically not in the home, aunts and uncles can step up and help out on a daily basis with the available parent. This can help add some balance to the home when there is only one parent.4 There are also situations of kinship care where the aunt or uncle and their family take in the niece or nephew and raise them as their own child, when the parents are unable to do so. This is more beneficial for the child than traditional foster care, but it can be very taxing on the aunt and uncle.6 It is important to really consider how this could affect your own family before taking on this kind of role. There will be some struggles, simply because you are not their birth parent. It is important to distinguish between acting as a surrogate parent and trying to take over the parent's job. It is very critical that you do not overstep your role as aunt or uncle unless absolutely necessary. There are also many other roles that you can take on; being a good listener, giving advice, providing unconditional support, or telling your nieces and nephews of their family history.2,4 It's easy to get overwhelmed and to think that there's no way you can do all of these roles. The nice thing about being an aunt or uncle is that none of these roles are required; you can determine what you want to do. If you don't want to get in the middle of parents and children fighting, don't. If you want to play tennis with your niece, do! You can choose what roles and activities you have time for and are willing to do. Only you can determine what will be good for your relationship. Benefits of the relationship Your relationships with your nieces and nephews are probably more important than you think, particularly if you spend frequent amounts of time with them. Two different studies show that the more relationships and frequent contact youth had with extended family members, the less likely they were to be involved in sexual risk-taking, or unsafe sexual practices.7,8 Extended family relationships also influenced the amount of education obtained.9 If relatives dropped out of high school, the nieces and nephews were more likely to do so, but they were also more likely to attend college if they had extended family members who had done so. Extended families were also an asset for children adjusting to school.9 Thus extended family members, including aunts and uncles, can be a significant influence on the choices their nieces and nephews make. Aunts and uncles can also be an additional resource to families who are struggling. For Mexican youth and Mexican-American immigrants, extended family members represent additional emotional and financial resources that families depend upon.4 For youth who need help, aunts and uncles can provide the extra support they need. Additionally, African-American youth who have alcoholic parents are better able to cope if they have good relationships with their extended kin.3 Particularly in cases of resource-poor youth, aunts and uncles help to supplement parents, helping the children to be resilient in the face of their difficulties. This relationship can be supportive for aunts and uncles as well. For those who are childless but desire to help those of the next generation (known as generativity), aunts and uncles can find a way to do this through their nieces and nephews.13 Helping and mentoring them can bring about satisfaction they may not have felt otherwise. For those who desire children, having a relationship with their siblings' children can help fill that need to connect with children. By having a relationship with your nieces and nephews when they are children, you are often fostering a lifelong bond, and the relationship becomes more friend-like as the children get older.4 How to achieve a positive relationship with your nieces and nephews Some of you may not be very emotionally close to your nieces and nephews, particularly if they live far away. It is important to remember that even if you aren't very close to your nieces and nephews, you can still be important to them and be an influence on their life. Whether you connect with them a lot or a little, you want to make every moment with them strengthen your relationship. For more information: What Aunts Do best/What Uncles Do Best by Laura Joffe Numeroff Aunties: Our Older, Cooler, Wiser Friends by Julienne Bennett Aunties: 35 Writers Celebrate Their Other Mother Ingrid Sturgis The Uncle Book: Everything You Need to Know to Be a Kid's Favorite Relative by Jesse Cogan Websites to check out: Written by Kaitlin M. Miller, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, professor in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. References What kinds of relationships do you have with your nieces and nephews? Do they live nearby or far away? Do you talk to them frequently or just send a card on their birthdays? Or, do you find it difficult to remember their names sometimes? The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, "Extended families should lend support when needed" (¶ 6). We can support our extended families, particularly our nieces and nephews, by creating good relationships with them. The kind of relationships we build with our nieces and nephews depends largely on our own efforts, though the relationship itself should be mutual. If we want to have strong, close relationships with them, what can we do to make this happen? First, a kind perspective of our extended family will help us to do that. We can think of our extended family relationships as an opportunity to love and serve others, or we can see it as a burden to keep in contact with them. It's our choice. "Whether we live in the same city in which other members of our family live, or far away, or even whether we have any living relatives, our choices are the same. Our extended family can be seen as a natural extension of ourselves, or they can be seen as distractions from our own needs and interests".1 By keeping a positive attitude about your relationship, you can look forward to spending more time together with your nieces and nephews. As one person said, "Opportunities for involvement in the loving process abound in our lives. They are there not for the asking, but for the doing".2 There are many ways that we can connect and love and become close to our nieces and nephews. The problem isn't how to this, but to take that first step to build a relationship. Second, include them as a part of our lives. For example, one family invites a nephew and his family over each Saturday during football season to enjoy the game and munchies, to everyone's delight. By including extended family members as part of our family relationships, we are including them in the circle of love in our lives. The best thing that we can do is to love them. When we love our nieces and nephews, we will want to care for them and do what is best for them so that they may be happy. When we reach out with love to our extended family, we will be filling our lives with what matters most family.1 Why is this relationship important? Parents are not the only influential adult figures for children, as other extended family members frequently take on some of the parenting actions as well. Elder Robert D. Hales commented, "Many adult members of the extended family do much parenting in their own right. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, cousins, and other family members can have a great impact on the family".3 You may have the goal of having an eternal family. Through righteous living, we can live with our immediate and extended family for eternity by being sealed in the temple.4 The prophet Malachi states that the hearts of the children will be turned to their fathers, and the fathers to the children or there will be a curse upon the earth (Malachi 4:6). This does not only have to refer to direct descendants|you can also turn toward your nieces and nephews, and they to you. By attending the temple, we will feel the love and desire to help all of our extended family. We can share that love with our nieces and nephews so that they are also turned towards those who came before them. "When you come to the temple you will love your family with a deeper love than you have ever felt before. The temple is about families. As my wife, Karen, and I have increased our temple service, our love for each other and for our children has increased. And it doesn't stop there. It extends to parents, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, forebears, and especially our grandchildren! This is the Spirit of Elijah, which is the spirit of family history work; and when inspired by the Holy Ghost, it prompts the turning of the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers..."5 You can take the opportunity to share the spirit of Elijah and the love of God with your nieces and nephews. Many aunts and uncles can have a unique opportunity to be an influence in their life as a trusted adult, one who can both give advice and unconditional love. How can we strengthen our relationships with our nieces and nephews? Written by Kaitlin M. Miller, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, professor in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. References 1. Extended family relationships (1986, October). Ensign, 57.
2. Miltenberger, M. (1988, March). Happiness--There's not a single barrier. Tambuli, 39.
3. Monson, T. S. (1992, May). An attitude of gratitude. Ensign, 54.
4. Lesson twenty-two: our extended family (1997). Family Home Evening Resource Book, 95.
5. Winkel, R. H. (2006, November). The temple is about families. Liahona, 9-11.
6. Burton, M. (2002, October). Strengthening relationships. Ensign, 22-23.
7. Batchelor, K. B. (2002, October). Bridging the distance. Ensign, 24-25.
8. Gardner, M. K. & Searle, D. L. (2003, October). [Interview with G. and M. Hinckley]. At home with the Hinckleys. Liahona, 32.
9. Faust, J. E. (1991, October). Where is the church? Tambuli, 27.
10. Hales, R. D. (1999, May). Strengthening families: Our sacred duty. Ensign, 32.
See Also
Why would my niece and nephew stop communicating with me after their mom, my sister, moved in with me and is happy? (I’m happy too).The Psychology Behind Excessive TalkingShould You Reconcile with an Estranged Sibling?How To Support A Teenager Who Won’t Talk To You