Parents of teenagers often exclaim, “My teenager won’t talk to me!” Here are five reasons why your teenager won’t talk to you with tips to help restore communication.
Remember when you and your child could walk into the grocery store and have a conversation as you strolled up and down the aisles? Remember when the two of you could discuss anything and everything on the car ride home. Now, when you ask “How was school?” all you get is a mumble that sounds like the word “fine.” Or worse, you get “school sucks” and when you ask “why?” you’re told “because…it’s school.”
My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…They Feel Attacked
If your boss pointed out something wrong with your performance (or worse…with you) every time the two of you ran into each other, how often would you want to talk to them? Well, that’s how your teenager feels. So, they just stop talking because it’s safer that way!
If you want your teen to talk more, then start by backing off a bit. Ask them to do something once or twice, then issue the consequence if they still don’t do it. There’s no need to ask 10-12 times. Think about it. If they know that they can do what you ask on the first time or the twelth time without it affecting them, then they won’t be in any rush to do it the first time.
Let them have their own opinions and make some of their own choices. Lay off of “you should do this” or “you shouldn’t do that.” Find ways to give advice without nagging or belittling. Then they will stop feeling attacked and might start to open up.
My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…Pushing My Buttons Makes Them Feel Powerful
How much power does a teen really have? Parents, teachers, coaches, employers…most of the people they come in contact with have more authority than they do. And, if your teen is not the leader in their friend group, then they hardly ever feel powerful.
I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying it could explain their behavior. If they know that not talking to you bothers you or causes a reaction, then they have found a way to feel powerful. Yes, it’s a destructive way. However, your teen will take destructive over powerless any day of the week. Think about it. A teenager would rather be noticed than lonely and unnoticed.
First, know your triggers and try not to explode when they push those buttons. They are teenagers. They will try. It’s not the end of the world if they set you off, but it does not improve your relationship or make your teen feel comfortable talking to you. Nothing good comes from your emotional explosion. Just keep that in mind.
Second, give them legitimate responsibilities. Let them co-plan with you the next family vacation. Tell them that they are in charge of dinner and ask what groceries you should buy. When you give them responsibility, you let them feel powerful in a constructive way.
My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…I Am Mistaking Silence for Disrespect
There’s a strong possibility that your teenager just isn’t very articulate, yet. If their reading and writing skills are weak, then don’t expect them to effortlessly discuss anything at all. Even if their skills are strong, teenagers can have a tough time communicating.
They have a tendency to get tongue tied or just lack the vocabulary to express themselves the way they want to. Try to recall the toddler years. Do you remember the cause of all those tantrums–they couldn’t properly express themselves. Guess what? It’s happening again!
All these thoughts, feelings and hormones are colliding and make it difficult to say anything coherent. Sounds pretty frustrating, right? Well, it certainly is. One way to deal with this frustration, is to just keep quiet and let them struggle.
Please, don’t automatically assume that their silence is a form of disrespect. They might just need a little space while they untangle their jumbled thoughts and feelings.
My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…I Betrayed Them and Didn’t Realize It
We constantly tell our kids, don’t hit send unless you’re okay with the whole world knowing. When you share something private, you have just hit the send button for them. If your teen mentions that Mary is really stuck-up or Coach Smith plays favorites or Johnny is starting to act different, this is not your info to share.
You might casually mention it to another parent and not even realize what you’ve done. If your teen overhears this or finds out, they will definitely feel betrayed. I know, I know it’s not a big deal to you. But, it’s a HUGE deal to them. If you’re fortunate enough to have a teenager who confides in you about a friend or coach, treasure that and don’t hit send!
